Monday, January 22, 2007

The Song That Just Hit Me Blindsided.

Jaclyn when she was 3 1/2

I heard this song (" Don't Forget to Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood) on the radio on my way to Charlottetown today and it just hit me aaaaaand hard.......my teenage daughter is in her nineteenth year........ever so far from when she was 10...11..12. I guess a part of me is still hoping she will move back home after college...........but by the sounds of her plans for the future that doesn't seem likely.
So when exactly do we evolve into best friends? There is a void in my heart everyday that was filled every time I would see her little face poking in my Salon door after she would come home from school....is it something I have to grow out of or just get used to? After 18 or so years of nurturing, coddling, feeding, clothing, and worrying about her, the time has come to send her off into the world???? I prepared to have her I prepared to raise her but I didn't prepare to let her go........so it's my own darn fault I guess......I just can't seem to rationalize with myself by thinking things like "she isn't that far away" ect. I try but I usually fall back into this place of missing her like crazy. We are so incredibly close but yet so far away and I know she loves me but right now I'm just Mom, and I know it won't always be that way.
I guess I'd hoped that right after she left home we would immediately be best friends too. I want that sooo badly but I know she has to find Jaclyn first and I cannot interfere with that . My questions and comments may seem to imply to her that she should do things another way and can sometimes spark disproportionate responses because they bring into focus one of the central conundrums of mother-daughter relationships: the double meaning of connection and control. I try not to come across as a vote of no confidence either. This is annoying coming from anyone, but it’s especially hurtful when it comes from a person whose opinion counts.(Or at least I hope)
I just have to remind myself that she is under Gods roof now and he will take care of her.
For those of you who took the time to listen to me THANK YOU so much for allowing me to put my vunerable self out there. I know it may sound a little random but I just typed as my heart spoke to me.
My day started out fine (sniff) I have 2 little boy friends coming up to their 1st birthday's (sniff) and I just wanted to go get them squeaky shoes (sniff)
I know I know I'll be fine. LOL
(I know one thing for certain is that this paper pregnancy is not giving me paper hormones! )
Thanks again and remember to always kiss your kiddins good night no matter how old they get.
Ps. Funny thing about this song was it was the first time I'd heard it and one line in it says " Here's a map and here's a Bible if you ever lose your way" and that was the last thing I gave her when she left the house that day.
Jaclyn .....if you are reading this all I want to say is .....I did my best to secure those wings ....so spread them and fly ......go ahead and take on this old world, just always remember where you came from and always be yourself. I Love you without condition. You truely inspire me and there are alot of things that I look up to YOU for.
Forever Mom

10 comments:

Doris & Dan Clark said...

You are making me cry. Your relationship will evolve. Time will ensure that. It is hard but you are a great Mom and you are both so blessed to have each other. Ya made me cry at work!

Keep smilin!

Mei Mei (lil sis) said...

Speechless....but certainly not tearless......

Shannon said...

blah you about made me cry... sooooo sweet!

Stacy said...

I don't know what to say... Just want to send big *HUGS*!!

Lee-Anne said...

YOu are a beautiful sweet Mother. I don't doubt that J misses you, and knows your heart.

Hang in there, your second daughter isn't far away.

ladybugmommy said...

ohh Debbie, tears are spilling down on my keyboard, I could so see Savannah in a few short years off spreading her wings and me feeling like you...and that song!!! I think you are right we have to remember all those things as a mom, let them find themselves, not to say too much and to let them know we are there. I think you sound like you have a good handle on how to best handle your situation and I know Jacquline has to know how much you love her. I wonder where does the time go though? I still kiss and tuck Savannah in very night and she is 12...I can't imagine the day I can't...sniff, sniff.
Take care,
Jennifer

The MacKinnon's said...

WOW, Deb. It's never easy to love so deeply! There is always pain where there is love. you are right, God is and will take care of her (and you!)
Tammy

dublin said...

Isn't it unbelievable how quickly they GROW UP?! It is amazing how fast the time flies once you become a parent.

By the way, YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED!

TaiwanMommy said...

Well, I get it, Dear. This year I sent my "baby" off to college too. Michael is 22, 6'8" and quite the man.. but he'll always be *my* little guy. (see my blog for my tributes to him, just recently) His sister, Lori, has been gone for years now.. and that still hurts too..but I'm far more used to it!

You know, we work so hard to prepare them to leave, it's our goal..but when they go, what do we do? I mean, besides adopting children-ha!! We feel bad.

You are NOT alone. And your daughter is blessed to have you, a Mommy, who loves her so much. And if she doesn't entirely get that yet (and she may just not be good at expressing it, that doesn't mean she doesn't think it!) she will, when she has kids herself, and finds out just how much it is possible to love another human being.

I send you a big compassionate hug, which I wish I could deliver in person, because I could use one too!

Val
Mom to 5; 2 over 20, 3 under 3.

MKBookWorks said...

I also teared up unexpectedly.. real hormones though (PMS kind) not my paper preg.

Our kids are our best work - and its hard to let go of those we are most proud of... but most wings will carry them home as well as carry them on to great things. I think you will be surprised...

good going!
Mom to an Empress with one on the way!