Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Who am I now?
Thanks Everyone for your kind thoughts and comments.
I wish I could tell you I'm OK but I'd be lying, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. Yesterday was the first full day without her here and the house feels different,my skin feels different, I don't know who I am without her.........................I'm just feeling lost.
Church was good for me I heard a little girl (13) tell her story about how God was like a mom to her because her mom cast her to the whey side, I totally fell apart and after church God seemed to somehow make her and I come face to face and I just bent down to her and whispered " Honey, On behalf of myself and all loving and caring Momma's out there I am soooooooo sorry your Momma put you threw and what she did, not all momma's are like that, my 19 yr. old just moved out of home and I love her sooo much I could hardly see her go." She knew I was crying and she looked at me and gave me the biggest hug.
There were a lot of emotions between yesterday and today...........It didn't go as well as I thought it would............. Friday night she asked if I would watch Little Mermaid with her so we ended up falling asleep on the couch and a few times I awoke but thought I'd stay there for the night with her and dozed off a while longer, then I thought my back would break so I got up to go to bed and her little bare feet were out of the covers and it might sound stupid coming from someone who hates feet but I kissed them...........well!!!!!!! I figured I kissed them when they came into my house when she was a baby so I kiss them when they leave my house too. I cried myself to sleep...............soooooo I'm not really OK but I will be. It will just take time. At least I know that if she comes to visit it's cause she really wants to see ME and not just cause her room is here. Looking forward to a new relationship with her.
So to keep myself busy I've been watching blogs and looking forward to referrals. Looks like RQ is thinking we may only see referrals up to the 12th of Sept. Hope and Pray this trend changes for the better soon.