Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Who am I now?

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Thanks Everyone for your kind thoughts and comments.
I wish I could tell you I'm OK but I'd be lying, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. Yesterday was the first full day without her here and the house feels different,my skin feels different, I don't know who I am without her.........................I'm just feeling lost.
Church was good for me I heard a little girl (13) tell her story about how God was like a mom to her because her mom cast her to the whey side, I totally fell apart and after church God seemed to somehow make her and I come face to face and I just bent down to her and whispered " Honey, On behalf of myself and all loving and caring Momma's out there I am soooooooo sorry your Momma put you threw and what she did, not all momma's are like that, my 19 yr. old just moved out of home and I love her sooo much I could hardly see her go." She knew I was crying and she looked at me and gave me the biggest hug.
There were a lot of emotions between yesterday and today...........It didn't go as well as I thought it would............. Friday night she asked if I would watch Little Mermaid with her so we ended up falling asleep on the couch and a few times I awoke but thought I'd stay there for the night with her and dozed off a while longer, then I thought my back would break so I got up to go to bed and her little bare feet were out of the covers and it might sound stupid coming from someone who hates feet but I kissed them...........well!!!!!!! I figured I kissed them when they came into my house when she was a baby so I kiss them when they leave my house too. I cried myself to sleep...............soooooo I'm not really OK but I will be. It will just take time. At least I know that if she comes to visit it's cause she really wants to see ME and not just cause her room is here. Looking forward to a new relationship with her.
So to keep myself busy I've been watching blogs and looking forward to referrals. Looks like RQ is thinking we may only see referrals up to the 12th of Sept. Hope and Pray this trend changes for the better soon.

15 comments:

Doris & Dan Clark said...

That is so sweet! You have me all misty eyed. I hope your heart is a little less heavy today. Your relationship has taken a new turn and will be be even better.

Keep smilin!

Dawn and Dale said...

Totally crying here too. Your heart truly must be breaking. I don't want my boys to ever grow up eaither!!

I have one friend who's youngest started kindergarten this year and was sooooo excited to have her days free again. I was like.... "I don't ever want to be there!!! I want at least one of them home with me!!!!"

Bless you!! LOVE the poem!!! Soooo what I needed to read today so thank you!!

Dawn

Dawn and Dale said...

Oh....and Dale and I play this Healing Rain song over and over around here! IT'S sooooo good!

Janet said...

Oh, you poor thing. She is still your daughter and , trust me, that is one bond that is NEVER broken. NEVER! My mom and I talk on the phone all the time and are really good friends. I think it is wonderful that you are letting her spread her wings. She needs to fly, and you have trained her well. SHe is now under God's roof and she will be okay. And she will ALWAYS be your daughter.

BIG HUGS OF SUPPORT!!!!

Robin said...

It really will be 'OK'.. I promise. It just takes a little while to pass. And everyone is right, you'll have an even better bond with your daughter now. True friends you will become!

kim said...

OK Deb....I'm not a mother yet execept to my dog.....and you have me scared to death about Channing leaving home...lol!!! I'm crying right along everyones else reading your post and listening to HEALING RAIN.....how beautiful!!!
~~HUGS~~

Krista said...

No words of wisdom here. I don't have mom experience yet but just wanted to say hang in there.

Lee-Anne said...

May God fill your heart with peace and fulfillment that you are complete just as you are. May the pain of missing Jaclyn, pass quickly and turn to joy of her success while shes away.

Thinking of you.

Dawn and Dale said...

You might not want to hear the song on my blog right now!!

Perfect for you!!

Love Dawn

Anonymous said...

I am not a Mom either,but I know that when JAC comes home for a visit,your time together will even more special!!!Keep your chin up and keep smilin".
God Bless,
You know who..............Garfield

ladybugmommy said...

Thinking of you Deb...tears in my eyes...love the part about kissing her feet, like you I am not a huge fan of feet...but your daughters' feet now that is a different story.

Shannon S said...

Hope you're feeling a bit less down today. With computers and cell phones the distance won't seem quite as far. And yes, a "cool mom" you certainly must be! =)

Anonymous said...

HI Deb

I know you will miss Jaclyn the way you miss breathing but remember that the fact that she is independent enough to venture out on her own is because you allowed her to grow into her own person. That's what great mom's do.

Chin up ya done good!!

Liam and Sherry-Lou
Regina

Kristin said...

I posted on the wrong picture thingie on your blog...but I said....:P) Bless your heart...I am already worrying about letting my babies go...I tell them they have to live with me forever!
You are such a sweet mommy...both of your daughters are very blessed!

Adele said...

hey Debbie.. I love the website. You must have put a lot of time in it which is great because it paid off.