I thought I could do it, I thought I'd convinced myself to be callused enough and had prepared myself for the day. Yup, Mothers Day.
I remembered last year on Mothers Day our pastor had asked all the pregnant moms to stand up and I stood bridging the gap on behalf of all my waiting mom friends.
Well this year he just simply asked "ALL" moms to stand up so with a wipe of my brow I stood up, knowing I wouldn't have so many people coming up to me after church asking how the process is going. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to talk about it but when someone is walking by you asking how the process is going and they continue to walk by you CANNOT very well answer that question in 5 seconds or less. So I oft feel like no one REALLY knows what we are going threw.
Jaclyn bought me a lovely basket of gardening goodies. I'm very excited that she and I are going to start a veggie garden together this year. Ok right, so my Mom and sister came over and we had a beautiful BBQ Mothers Day meal. I had a chance to let out some pent up feelings about the wait and the 2 1/2 year old empty nursery. Ya know it is so refreshing when someone like your mom or sister will let you just gush out all your feelings even if they don't really make sense....I love my Mom and sister for that.
I felt so much better. I had armoured myself once again and was feeling pretty strong......then...I had to go to a youth conference for all the youth groups in our community...our youth pastor got up and asked all the moms to stand....fear struck my brain...(no..no..no..not here, not now...not in front of all the youth...not in front of all these other youth groups that I don't even know!....) well at first there I was...the only one standing, then finally another mom stood up then another. So with three of us standing I figured this wouldn't be too hard. Our youth Pastor prayed for Moms....then the fear dripped from my brain and froze my heart....Our youth pastor dropped his hand on my shoulder and said, "I'd like to say a special prayer for this mom who has been waiting 2 years to adopt her daughter from China....that was all it took....he prayed and I was a fountain on wobbly legs. When he was finished I found my way back to my seat and one of my youth who is totally not the huggy type of gal gave me a hug. That is a hug I will treasure forever.
Yesterday morning I was over at one of my best friends houses and we had a really long talk, it was good to share with someone else who knows my heart besides family. She organized to have a wonderful group of ladies who I care for deeply came over to pray with me last night. I don't think I realized how much pain I had attached to myself over this wait.( Couldn't see the "forest for the trees" sort of thing.) I think in some strange way I was starting to feel punished and God would NOT have planted that in my head so clarity was one of the main things we focused on last night as well as breaking off any fear. I believe this corporate night of prayer was long over due, and I'd highly recommend it to anyone who has read this and it has landed on you in a all too familiar way. This is one of the ways the enemy will sneak in and steal your joy...and when have you ever seen a depressed pregnant lady? Really.
So you may ask what was going threw my head yesterday...well the "wait" for sure, in addition to more than I can blog about but one thing is for sure I certainly could use prayer over the next few days.
If you managed to stick with me threw this post, Thank You...I just needed to be heard by momma's who were in this long wait with me.