Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I really thought I was strong enough...

I thought I could do it, I thought I'd convinced myself to be callused enough and had prepared myself for the day. Yup, Mothers Day.

I remembered last year on Mothers Day our pastor had asked all the pregnant moms to stand up and I stood bridging the gap on behalf of all my waiting mom friends.
Well this year he just simply asked "ALL" moms to stand up so with a wipe of my brow I stood up, knowing I wouldn't have so many people coming up to me after church asking how the process is going. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to talk about it but when someone is walking by you asking how the process is going and they continue to walk by you CANNOT very well answer that question in 5 seconds or less. So I oft feel like no one REALLY knows what we are going threw.


Jaclyn bought me a lovely basket of gardening goodies. I'm very excited that she and I are going to start a veggie garden together this year. Ok right, so my Mom and sister came over and we had a beautiful BBQ Mothers Day meal. I had a chance to let out some pent up feelings about the wait and the 2 1/2 year old empty nursery. Ya know it is so refreshing when someone like your mom or sister will let you just gush out all your feelings even if they don't really make sense....I love my Mom and sister for that.

I felt so much better. I had armoured myself once again and was feeling pretty strong......then...I had to go to a youth conference for all the youth groups in our community...our youth pastor got up and asked all the moms to stand....fear struck my brain...(no..no..no..not here, not now...not in front of all the youth...not in front of all these other youth groups that I don't even know!....) well at first there I was...the only one standing, then finally another mom stood up then another. So with three of us standing I figured this wouldn't be too hard. Our youth Pastor prayed for Moms....then the fear dripped from my brain and froze my heart....Our youth pastor dropped his hand on my shoulder and said, "I'd like to say a special prayer for this mom who has been waiting 2 years to adopt her daughter from China....that was all it took....he prayed and I was a fountain on wobbly legs. When he was finished I found my way back to my seat and one of my youth who is totally not the huggy type of gal gave me a hug. That is a hug I will treasure forever.

Yesterday morning I was over at one of my best friends houses and we had a really long talk, it was good to share with someone else who knows my heart besides family. She organized to have a wonderful group of ladies who I care for deeply came over to pray with me last night. I don't think I realized how much pain I had attached to myself over this wait.( Couldn't see the "forest for the trees" sort of thing.) I think in some strange way I was starting to feel punished and God would NOT have planted that in my head so clarity was one of the main things we focused on last night as well as breaking off any fear. I believe this corporate night of prayer was long over due, and I'd highly recommend it to anyone who has read this and it has landed on you in a all too familiar way. This is one of the ways the enemy will sneak in and steal your joy...and when have you ever seen a depressed pregnant lady? Really.

So you may ask what was going threw my head yesterday...well the "wait" for sure, in addition to more than I can blog about but one thing is for sure I certainly could use prayer over the next few days.

If you managed to stick with me threw this post, Thank You...I just needed to be heard by momma's who were in this long wait with me.

19 comments:

Dara said...

Thank you Deb for not deleting that post, it's hard to put our hearts out where people can see them sometimes. You are such a warrior and I am very proud of you.

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy(Kim & John) said...

It is sometimes a relief to put your thoughts in writing and let them out...Keep your chin up girly...
She will be here in your arms one day...
We are all here for you ....
HUGS to you..
I will be thinking about you..
HUGS.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Hang in there sister... I feel your pain... take care

Briana's Mom said...

I wish I could do something to take away the pain. It will happen for you - and when it does, it will be wonderful. I promise...

OH MY #6 said...

Hugs to you.

Lea

Shannon said...

Big hugs and lots of prayers.

3D said...

Sounds like you needed to let go and let it be. I am happy that you heart is lighter.

Keep smilin!

redmaryjanes said...

I am so sorry that it is so hard and that it is taking so long and that everything is so uncertain.
I cry sometimes too. Hang in there. I believe our babies will come.

a Tonggu Momma said...

What a very touching post. This wait truly stinks and, yes, at times I've felt all of the things you described, either with this current marathon wait or the wait for our little Tongginator. Thanks for sharing all of this. Your post blessed me.

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

A very heart felt post.

Thanks for sharing!

nikki said...

My heart felt really heavy on Mother's Day this year...I was really thinking of all my friends who would be having a hard time.
I will definitely be lifting you up in prayer!

Nadine said...

Sometimes it's good to get all those emotions and feelings out so people can know what to pray for you for.

You are in my prayers. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Deb you know we love ya!
Remember no matter what may come you are loved.
Huggs
lots of them
Iris

Special K said...

I'm right there with you. We're about to hit the 2 yr mark. And I didn't realize just how bad that hurt until Mother's Day.

I understand. And I'm still here waiting with you. We'll get there.

Mike and Rhonda said...

Just made it to the 27 month mark! I hear you, I feel you, I cry with you and I DID pray for you. I pray for all of us that are waiting. We all have to protect our hearts but after years of doing that, it comes up and bites you when you least expect it. The emotions that pour out surprise even you! Then we just get back up and wait some more. All I can say is thank God for you and all the other waiting moms WILLING to talk about it!

geminirn said...

Oh Deb your baby is waiting for you,this will happen.The biggest of hugs is sent to you from across the waters!!

Anonymous said...

I was just checking in to see how you were doing. The wait is not easy. However, it is great to have the support of loved ones.

Kristin

kerri said...

The waiting is so difficult , hanging in limbo, it cut like a knife when people would ask me how the process was going.
All I can say is hang in there, I know you have heard this a million times, you will hold your daughter, it will erase the heartache and fill your heart and soul with such love.
Sending hugs.

Made in China said...

No one can be strong about this wait all the time. It's an up and down journey. Sounds like you have a lot of supportive people in your life. You are so blessed.

Julie